Forgiveness
by triseke
Summary: Little coda from 9 06 when Dean and Cas have a conversation in a motel room.


"Whats the point?" Dean leaned back against the hard headboard of motel bed, closing his eyes.

"What do you mean?" Cas turned from the infomercial that was playing on mute on the tv set, his gaze landing on Dean.

"Nothing." Dean exhaled slowly, keeping his eyes shut. "I'm just tired is all."

Cas frowned, unsure if Dean meant that he was tired after the exertions of meeting Ephraim tonight, or something else. He shifted, taking care to not hurt his already damaged hand. He absently fiddled with the wrapping of the makeshift splint, tucking a stray end back underneath the wrap.

"I can go, if you want to sleep?" Cas asked, watching Dean's face for a reaction, anything to help him understand what Dean had meant.

Dean smiled, and shook his head, his eyes finally meeting Cas'. "Nah, dude, it's fine. I've only just got here. You know that sleep is overrated anyway."

Cas returned Dean's smile, and the room lapsed into silence for a few moments. Not uncomfortable silence. Just expectant silence, like the air itself was waiting for them to continue with their conversation.

"Is it hard?" Dean asked quietly, glancing down at his hands.

Cas was silent for a moment. "Yes. There is so much that I don't know. Things that I never needed to know are now a necessity. Sometimes it is very overwhelming. I also did not expect to feel as a human does." He stopped, and stood. Crossing the small motel room to pick up two bottles of beer from the just about forgotten shopping bag. He snapped them open, the way he had seen Dean do a thousand times, and handed one to his friend. "Like, even that.." He gestured. "the need to drink, to eat, to feel, it's all new." He sat back on the edge of the other bed, drawing his legs up underneath him, and took a long gulp from the bottle.

"Shit, Cas. I'm sorry." Dean said, still not looking up from his hands.

"But it's ok, I think." Cas said, smiling softly. "It's getting easier. I can now moderate my emotions a little better. I have a job. A job where what I do is sincere."

"Cas, you were always sincere, even when what you were doing was bat shit insane." Dean finally looked at Cas, and Cas was taken aback to see Dean's face. He seemed like he was in pain.

"Dean, are you alright? You are in pain? You are injured?" Cas was at his side in an instant.

"Nothing like that, buddy." Dean's jaw tightened and he looked away.

"What then? Something is troubling you?" Cas asked, trying to seek Dean's eyes, which were refusing to meet his.

"Cas. Don't." Dean flinched as Cas touched his shoulder, the place where he had marked so long ago, a mark now faded.

"Dean, I -"

"I said, to leave it!" Dean had pulled himself out of Castiel's reach, and was now standing on the other side of the bed. He was furious. Cas always thought that Dean looked so alive when he was angry. Dean Winchester, the man who refused to let himself feel anything but felt anyway, felt too much. Always feeling immense guilt over everything, even when it wasn't his fault. Always wanting to make things better for his family, and always just about to succeed when it was ripped from him. Dean being angry was a sight to behold, and God help anyone who was caught in Dean's path when he finally let himself verbalise his pain. Wild green eyes flashed at Castiel, and he watched as Dean punched the wall behind him. He didn't say anything, didn't want Dean to feel any worse than he did right at this moment.

"It's not fair." Dean breathed out, rubbing the knuckles of his right hand that were now slightly bloody.

Cas didn't say anything, not knowing of anything he could say to make Dean feel better. It didn't seem that Dean needed him to say anything anyway, because he continued.

"It's not fair. Cas, I wanted you to stay. More than anything. I hated myself for having to send you away. I wanted to show you-" Dean cut himself off. With a steadying intake of breath, he turned his back on Cas. "I wanted you to stay so much. It nearly killed me to send you away, on your own, into this fucking pile of steaming shit we call a planet. You had just lost your Grace and I wanted to find you so much. To take you home. You would love the Men of Letters place, Cas. It's.." Dean made a noise in his throat, as if the words wouldn't come any more.

It took Castiel a moment to process what Dean was saying. That he hadn't wanted to send Cas away.

"Fucking Zeke." Dean growled.

"Zeke?" asked Cas, softly. Dean started, as if he had forgotten Cas was there. Dean sighed.

"That's another conversation that we need to have. But right now, I need you to understand that I am so sorry Cas." Dean was now standing over Cas, urgency in his eyes.

"Dean, I'm sure you had good reason to. I trust you." Cas stood up, feeling too small under Dean's stare.

Dean swallowed hard, and reached out for Cas, a reminder of a hug in a different place, in different circumstances. Dean didn't smell of death and blood, and Cas was now hidden from those who wanted to capture him. Cas felt Dean's arms wrap around his torso, and hold him tight, as if he was going to disappear. Cas, always slightly unsure of human body language, felt an instinctive urge to tighten his grip on Dean. He wasn't sure how long they stayed like that. A fallen angel and a broken hunter, but Cas felt Dean shudder against him. Pulling back slightly, Cas realised that Dean was trying not to cry, and he was mumbling against Cas' shirt.

"It was supposed to be me. I was supposed to show you this world. Not someone else. I wanted to. More than anything."

"I wanted you to." Cas had the words said before he realised it.

Dean stilled, his jaw twitching, as he pulled back from Cas. "Fucking hell."

Dean dropped his arms, breaking the contact. "I'm sorry, Cas. You deserve so much more than this… shitty deal."

Castiel smiled a lopsided smile. "Unfortunately, I have to play with the hand I've been dealt." He paused, and continued. "Dean, you do not need to seek my forgiveness for casting me out. You already have it. I am still confused as to why it happened, but as I said, you must have had reason. Let me help you in any way I can, and if that means not being around you, I will do that, even if I do not want to."

Dean stood, frozen, watching Castiel speak. When he had finished, Dean frowned and said "Screw this. Cas, you're coming home with me. We can sort out this Ezekiel business together."

Cas smiled, relief pooling in his chest. Excitement. He was going back with Dean.. "Of course, Dean. Ezekiel, the angel Ezekiel?"

Cas watched as Dean took in his words, like coil was slowly being unravelled in him, as the fact that Cas was going home with him sunk in.

"Yeah, Ezekiel. There are things that you don't know, Cas." Dean said, after a moment.

"Start from the beginning." said Cas, pointing at the space beside him on the bed. "Tell me everything."


End file.
